throughout university i was friends with a lot of people naturally through class and clubs. but, maintaining friendships was always a challenge for me. i felt that i was constantly procrastinating on the tasks and goals that i wanted to personally achieve so that made me someone who couldn’t really enjoy time with others. i was procrastinating and simultaneously escaping and forming para-social relationships with manga, k-pop, and youtube influencers. initially, i would talk about these things i was procrastination with, but overtime, i realized how i was escaping in an unhealthy way by consuming this media. i didn’t really share these kind of thoughts with anyone probably because i was ashamed of not having the self-discipline to stop it. i didn’t really want to admit that i had this flaw and that i might need some help overcoming this unhealthy routine.
i still had many people around me because i was smart, getting good grades, part of some clubs, and that was probably the one thing that kept my confidence high enough to approach and maintain social contact. my unhealthy relationship with media made me think that my friends were uncool and that i wanted better friends who were doing cooler things (things i saw online). i would reject invitations that i felt were uncool. i kept my personality and emotions under check and didn’t overshare my negativity, but everyday that i let my inaction win, the self-hate started to overwhelm me so much that i started showing my ugly behavior to friends. all of them would tolerate it or treat me with kindness as to not paint me as a villain, but i didn’t change even when they gave me support and space to work on it. eventually, i felt so ashamed of myself that i cut them all out, i stopped meeting them and i stopped responding when they reached out. i thought i had nothing positive to offer them so it was better they just forget that ugly person and move on with their lives and meet better people. but, again, alone now, i didn’t change. i was still judgmental and lazy. the only people i had left to talk to was my family and coworkers (professionally) and 1-3 friends (whom i’d see once a year maybe less) and even towards them, i behaved poorly.
when i tried to have friendships, i would quickly recluse again. there’s no reason for me to have any friends if im not working on myself. if im not trying to live. no one should be friends with someone like me. im not suicidal. i just don’t take any action at all. i only do the things that are habits (good or bad) and thats how i pass each day. i am perhaps depressed. i discover new things on the internet and still develop skills as i work my full time software development job, but i can’t seem to form any new skills to achieve new goals. without working hard to achieve some goal and gain some skill, i recluse from society.